When it's not o.k. to hurt

When it's not o.k. to hurt

When was the last time I cried?
Let's see ... where's my shopping list.
Oh.  Back pocket this time.
   carrots
   milk
   eggs
Did I cry at grandma's funeral?
   bread
   butter
   ground beef
No.  I wasn't thinking about grandma.  The coffin was closed. And anyway she was at home in bed watching Jeopardy.
   bay leaf, thyme
Did I pass the spices?
I think I cried when I found out about the strip club
I know I cried then.
I was angry.
I was so very, very, very hurt
Yes, that really did it.
Oops, spices are in aisle 12. I did pass it then.
It doesn't hurt anymore of course.
No, we've worked our way past it. We've dealt with those issues and we're fine now.    Really fine.  Really.
Bread is on sale.
Bread is always on sale.
I don't like this brand.  I think I have enough bread at home.
The funny thing is, I don't even want to cry anymore.
I'm feeling more myself these days. 
The doctor was right.
I'm feeling more myself now.
I knew I would.
He promised I would.
But every once in a while
I wish I could smile.
 - jm


This may be fiction (Grandma is alive and well) but I've been thinking a lot about how afraid we all are of human pain.  We don't talk about it.  We don't want to hear about it.  Video games, t.v. and even other more harmful heart numbing activities are all keeping us from pain and also from hope.  There is no way to eliminate pain without eliminating the joy as well.

Ode by Horace translated by John Dryden

Happy the man, and happy he alone,
He who can call today his own:
He who, secure within, can say,
Tomorrow do thy worst, for I have lived today.
Be fair or foul or rain or shine
The joys I have possessed, in spite of fate, are mine.
Not Heaven itself upon the past has power,
But what has been, has been, and I have had my hour.

John Donne

John Donne   HYMN TO GOD, MY GOD, IN MY SICKNESS. SINCE I am coming to that Holy room,     Where, with Thy choir of saints for evermore, I shall be made Thy music ; as I come     I tune the instrument here at the door,     And what I must do then, think here before ; Whilst my physicians by their love are grown     Cosmographers, and I their map, who lie Flat on this bed, that by them may be shown     That this is my south-west discovery,     Per fretum febris, by these straits to die ; I joy, that in these straits I see my west ;     For, though those currents yield return to none, What shall my west hurt me ?  As west and east     In all flat maps—and I am one—are one,     So death doth touch the resurrection. Is the Pacific sea my home ?  Or are     The eastern riches ?  Is Jerusalem ? Anyan, and Magellan, and Gibraltar ?     All straits, and none but straits, are ways to them     Whether where Japhet dwelt, or Cham, or Shem. We think that Paradise and Calvary,     Christ's cross and Adam's tree, stood in one place ; Look, Lord, and find both Adams met in me ;     As the first Adam's sweat surrounds my face,     May the last Adam's blood my soul embrace. So, in His purple wrapp'd, receive me, Lord ;     By these His thorns, give me His other crown ; And as to others' souls I preach'd Thy word,     Be this my text, my sermon to mine own,     “Therefore that He may raise, the Lord throws down.”

This is what my dear sweet Isaac is to me

SONNET

TO

MY BELOVED DAUGHTER.

by Mary Darby Robinson

WHEN FATE in ruthless rage assail'd my breast,
  And Heaven relentless seal'd the harsh decree;
HOPE, placid soother of the mind distress'd;
  To calm my rending sorrows–gave me THEE.
In all the charms of innocence array'd,
  'Tis thine to sprinkle patience on my woes;
  As from thy voice celestial comfort flows,
Glancing bright lustre o'er each dreary shade.
Still may thy growing REASON's light divine,
  Illume with joy my melancholy bow'rs;
Still may the beams of sacred VIRTUE shine,
  To deck thy spring of youth with thornless flow'rs;
So shall their splendid attributes combine,
  To shed soft sunshine on MY WINTRY HOURS.

appologies

It was time to put all my poems in one place.  If you read my "life and times" blog most of these are on there and you've read them already.  Sorry for the over posting!

Yesterday's child

Yesterday's Child called you Daddy
   and whispered for you in the dark.
Yesterday's Child looked up and up and up
   and you were so big
   and I was so small.
   and I couldn't reach, or carry or know.
I needed you.  And that was all.

But when I wanted your embrace
   and saw no reassuring face
          I prayed. 
  and your absence led me to God

It was your sin that watered my faith
Your empty chair led me to a throne
   And when growing up, you weren't there
        I was never alone.

Thunderstorm

The heavens are roaring
Tree branches are soaring.
Leaves freed from their mooring
   get soaked by rain pouring
   from sumo clouds warring.

She loves

She loves to see the moon and stars
and hates the clouds that hide them
she loves the smell of dune and sea
and longs to play beside them

she loves the God of earth and sky
she loves the Hand that made them
the treasure of her faith and love -
I pray she'll never trade them.



Eliannah really really loves the moon.  She searches for it at night and tells me how much she hates it when it is too cloudy to see it.  Her simple delight at God's handywork has made me appriciate the things I've taken for granted and see again through her eyes how delightful and vast the dark celing we live under.

The heavens are telling the glory of God ... Psalm 19

pig

It may be warm
it may be big
I may waller down in it
like a grunt happy pig

You might not think
that I would care
but bed is better
when we share.

Origami

oragami happy face folded in a smile
turn two edges
moutain fold
I'm frowning for awhile
smooth the paper
leave it loose
this is the way my face folds, when it's not in use

Spring Break

kleenex choir
sitting on the couch
cough, sniff, wheeze hack
grouch, grouch, grouch

Cough syrup cocktail
Please pass the juice
nose like dam
with an opened sluice

sneezing and itching and fevers too
spring break symphony
What's a mom to do?

T.V., DVD
chicken noodle soup
spring break activity
going down the poop.

Kisses

Kisses from mommy are few and far between
as I watch her at her chores
she brings me right along with her
she carries me to bed
and just before I got to sleep
- a kiss right on my head

But daddy's kisses
come when he comes home
late at night when I should be asleep
I get 5 -or -6 all in a rush
though it's kind of like being kissed by a brush
I think I like best his technique.

Mama rocks the craddle
just like that
mama rocks the craddle
where you lay on your back .
Just like that, just like that
mama rocks that craddle with a smile while you nap.

Mama wears a halo
you wear a hat
she put it on your head
just like that.
Just like that, just like that
with the bow in the middle and the tag in the back.

Mama always loves you
mama always will
mama blows you kisses from the window sill
Just like that, just like that
mama blows you kisses and you always blow them back
to your mama to your mama
who taught you love's soundtrack.

SiCee

Dirt burnished face
tarnished with love
tucked in the palm
of a bachelor glove

unraveled expression
yarn coif in tatters
my baby loves this baby
and that's all that matters.

Daydream

untitled

"dream fiercely", they said
but little did they know
that dreams fall softly
as the winter snow

Atop the highest ladder
- the stars still out of reach
my human limitation
douse all daydreaming with bleach

Those castles in the sky
that coated earth with
soft phantasms
crumbled slowly
and stopped snowing
on realities reaction.

growing up and growing weary
growing tired of dreamless sleep
my crumpled aspirations
hibernating as I weep.

small brown spider
tiptoes through the room
where 4 small noses softly sing
a sleepy little tune

I hush my to do list
of one thousand chores
as I smile and listen -
pianissimo snores.

6 little blackbirds

6 little blackbirds sitting on the stairs
1 got up and wondered off somewheres

5 little blackbirds shaking paper cups
2 screaming blasphemy when you won't fill it up

3 little blackbirds mumbling in the street
go around them Pharisee, be careful who you greet!

Those same 3 little blackbirds huddled round a fire
sitting in a cardboard box
in your old attire.

look away walk away
you're safe inside your own doorway
who cares if theirs is made of a tarp
and 6 of them froze last night in the park?

5

five

soft tiny
your hand
face giggling in smile

below belly dance
leg can can kick style

grunt chuckle squeak
splarch
mouth full of cornstarch

lint velcro neck
V eyebrow arch

five months too fast
fast months to five
tummy time tango
jumping jack jive

Flat Screen Fantasie

an insect drifts across a popcorn sky
the t.v. blinks it's cycloptic eye
remote in hand like a cigarett
time to forget
time to forget

a butterfly dies in it's warm cocoon
alive but not living
inside a dark womb
refusing to bloom
refusing to bloom

entertained to death
enslaved with fun
napping in the blue of a sunset sun
asleep in the heat of a midnight sun.

Picking God's pocket

you saw us on the news
but we're already dead
those medical supplies
are next to your bed

your cash didn't reach us
your tears dried too fast
your wallet was uninjured
by the momentary contrast

so go sell your soul to Cable
store those treasures in your closet
start your Heaven in Hawaii
with your 10% deposit

two thousand unreached voices
can you hear their faintest whisper
a million Christian choices
won't you choose to help us Sister?

I foolishly thought

I was in control

Which only stands to reason

I planted my garden,

watched it grow and harvested in season

Of course the rain would always come

of course the sun would shine

and when it grew and gave it's due

the glory was all mine.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow

Let heaven and nature sing

while foolish creatures here below

won't bow and bless their King.
- j.m.

I'm trying to teach the kids that

"every good and perfect gift comes from above

On the road again ...

On the road again ...

When you're gone
I always sleep right down the middle of our bed
and wake with all the blankets
tucked 'round my feet.

and when you're gone I
drink your orange juice
and I sometimes wear your shirt
and I never keep our bedroom very neat.

But when you're here
I use your toothbrush
and forget to pack your lunch
and I grumble at the socks
spread on the floor.

And when you're here I interrupt you,
disappoint you and mistrust you
and I don't know what I'm doing all that for.

Maybe it's because I've missed you
and it's high time I just kissed you
will you stay so I can fall for you once more?
Maybe then I'll grow to find
that patiently we can rewind
and learn to be the lovers
we were before.

J.M.

This is my version of a country song ... complete with cheese